Thursday, April 19, 2007

I am new to the Blog scene. I use Google Alert to keep up on what they are saying about the Mormons. One of the links that came up was Elbow's blog. I clicked on to it and discovered some of the the blogging world through links on his site. To be able to comment I had to set up this site. It has been here blank for a while. I don't know what to say. I am a good listener. I respond better to other peoples comments. So let me begin with two responses I gave on Elbow's website. First a response to introduce me to him:

Since we are all unique. I can never understand fully how you or anyone else feels. Each alone must choose his path. But I can share my own feelings as a married Mormon with strong same sex atractions. I know the emotional emptyness that cries to be filled with a male partner. It is not just physical. But I believe that this emotional hunger has come to me biologically in mortality. I feel no guilt at its existance. It is part of me. I have filled it somewhat in non- physical relationships as a scoutmaster, as a young adult leader and teacher, as a bishop, and as a father. Thus far I can see no indication that my sons inherited the SSA gene. No one but my wife and those who interviewed me for my mission know about this. I realize that if I continue on the path I have chosen that this hunger for male intimacy will never be fulfilled. I wish that my world were different, so that I could have all I desire. It seems unfair. But then I consider the emptinesses I would feel if I chose the path of male intimacy. I love my wife. I am not sexually attracted to her like I am to men. Erections are sometimes difficult to achieve when we are intimate. But we love the warmth of each other's bodies and have worked out techniques where we each usually reach climax. She is my best friend. My life would be terribly empty without her. I love my children and enjoy their love and repect. Had I chosen another path I would not be able to give them Father's blessings or attend their Temple weddings. I would feel a hunger for those things. I have been able to counsel and guide many boys and young men, some of whom who struggled with SSA, and young women also. I have tried to help them accept and love themselves. Another path may have given me opportunity to help others. But I have been able to bless so many in the Gospel context, I am glad I have stayed on this path. I am far from perfect and have and still do have many opportunities to satisfy my SSA, but I have thus far never violated my covenants with my wife. I have experienced the healing and prophetic powers of the Priesthood flowing through me. Had I followed another path I would hunger for those experiences. There is so much thus far in my life that has been filled at the price of denying myself satisfaction of my strong, continual hunger for total physical and emotional intimacy with men. In describing my path I am not suggesting that you should follow. You must decide for yourself. And I trust that you will do what is right for your unique life. But I do suggest that you consider the possiblilty that you will not be able to satisfy all the hungers in your life and pray that you will choose those that will bring you the most happiness. I am not critical of those who take a path different than mine. God loves all of His children and will try to guide them to peace and happiness where ever.

Next a response to his annoyance at gay men staring at him on the subway:

What bugs me is that often in the gym showers a guy opposite me stares and smiles and starts masturbating. I don't feel bad about being aroused by the good looking ones, but I should look away and not stare. I find this extremely hard to do. I already have enough hormones pumping through me. I don't need any more. By being aroused and staring I am reinforcing some poor guy who has to has to resort to a shower room for a relationship. But in many cases it is hard to turn my eyes away. They usually quit when someone comes into an adjacent stall or when they see that I am not going to masturbate with them. If it's possible I try to strike up a conversation with them in the dressing room to let them know that I don't reject them. Some have become gym friends and tell me about their life struggles, but they know that I am not into having visual or physical sex with them. Some won't even talk to me afterwards. Thats OK. I only wish I could keep from looking or staring.

This should give you a little window into my life. Have a good day!

4 comments:

Elbow said...

welcome!

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

I read both of your posts on Elbow's blog. I really liked them. Welcome to the Blog world! It's been really good for me to connect outside of my little bubble and grow.

-Caspian

Forester said...

It's nice to know there are those of you who have made it a little further down the path than some of us. It gives us hope. I find it incredible that guys in your gym would just start masturbating in the shower in front of you. I'm not sure what I would do, if I could be as strong as you and not participate.

Forester said...

Elbow, if you read this, I haven't been invited to read your blog and thus can't gain access. If this is not on purpose, let me in.