Thursday, July 19, 2007


This blogging community is exciting to me. It causes me to reach deep into my inner hunger for male contact and face it instead of running from it. It causes me to recognize my love for my wife and children and the community of friends that trust and respect me. It causes to appreciate and question my love of my Heavenly Father and His Son.

Discussions on several blogs have caused me to ask how far I can go in satisfying my need for emotional and physical contact with males. It raises more questions than I have answers for and I realize that the answers I have come to thus far are for me. I am not proscribing anything for anyone else.

Let me give you an example of my exploration of my inner needs. A few friends have recommended massage as a means of stress relief and relaxation. For me, massage from a male is more fulfilling that one from a female. I found a few relatively inexpensive male therapists in the area and enjoyed the experience of totally letting go of my physical self and letting someone bring pleasure to me. The therapist I settled on has a warm, gentle touch which is a reflection of the kind of person he is. His looks are not appealing to me and I am not attracted to him, but once he puts his hands on my back I relax and let go. I went every few weeks for a while and as soon as I felt that I could trust him we eliminated the sheet he was using to cover me. I made it clear that my genitals were off limits during the massage. I wanted a sensual experience, not a sexual one. He respected my request. My experience with him seemed to fulfill my need for male contact. It was very pleasurable and since I did not have an erection I justified it as a non-sexual experience. But I found myself wishing he would massage me sexually and as he massaged my thighs and stomach I felt strongly stimulated. But it was nice to be completely vulnerable and know that I could trust him to not violate my boundaries. I had no erection, so I assumed that these were not sexual feelings, but I found myself wanting to return more frequently. I had a vague feeling that I probably shouldn't be doing this, even though intellectually I felt that there was nothing wrong. Physical pleasure in an of itself is not wrong. My wife was fully aware of my visits. She had a massage by him once (with sheets of course.) She knew how much I enjoyed the massages and encouraged me to go.

I found myself at times angry at all the time the Church takes from my life, even though my calling was quite fulfilling. I avoided doing some of my Church responsibilities. I found myself angry about all the Church rules, and some heavy handed leaders. Scripture reading got boring. My prayers became flat. I would stop myself at times and say what is happening to me? I have always gruffed at the authoritarian aspects of the Church, but could put it in a broader perspective and recognized that the Church is run by humans with their weaknesses and problems. But I found myself more and more focusing on the negative and being angry and distant from the Spirit. Over time I discovered a pattern. These negative feelings were more intense on the days following the massage. I told myself that I was just too Puritanical and feeling guilty for having innocent pleasure and that there was nothing wrong with what I was doing. But the pattern still continued and at moments, especially during the sacrament, I felt that I should discontinue the massages. I realized that even though I saw nothing sinful in the massage pleasure it was having a negative effect on my spirituality.

What is sin if it isn't something that becomes a wedge between you and God no matter how innocent it seems. I was being fulfilled physically and ending up empty spiritually. I more and more felt negative about those things that brought me spiritual joy and fulfillment in the past. One side of me said I was too much a prude and that I shouldn't feel guilty over a little thing like this. Anyway God permitted me to be wired with SGA and has taken from me the possibility of fulfilling my deep hunger for male physical contact and this is one little way of satisfying some of this need without sinning! The other side of me said look at the spiritual consequences. Are you really happy? You know what the still small voice is saying. Be honest with yourself.

WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE CHOICES LIKE THIS! If God came down and said stop this, it would be easy. But I have to be sensitive these gentle promptings and struggle with my justifications. I finally asked myself, "Do you love the Lord enough to give this up whether it appears to be right or wrong, to give it up as an act of faith and love?"

For a while I would decide not to go, but a few weeks later would change my mind. It seems that this pleasure had addicting qualities. I have stopped going for massages for some time. I do feel my spiritual balance returning. I made the right decision for me. But often the hunger returns and the thought comes, "Why not just this once?" and I begin to rationalize why it would be OK.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


I have been away for a while, enjoying the blessings of my large family. Many children and grandchildren have consumed my life. What a wonderful way to go! I have thought of the many times I have been tempted to stray from the Path and am grateful that Heavenly Father has helped not betray the trust of my wife, my children, my grandchildren.

I discussed in some of my posts the challenge I have had in the locker room, especially in the showers. There is often stress because of my desire to check out those across from me. It has been hard to keep my eyes from wandering. Some times I have watched those smiling at me and masturbating and felt guilty afterwards. I have requested curtains many times to no avail and finally gave up asking. I have considered not going to the gym even though I know that the exercise there keeps me healthy, alert, and energized. I love the way my body feels and looks when I am in shape. I sleep well at night. A week ago I went in for a shower and there were curtains!! It was wonderful! This is the only gym in the area I know of now with curtains. I didn't realize how stressful the showers were until I pulled the curtain closed, and showered in private. It is wonderful to walk in there knowing that there is no temptation. I know that I should be Mr. Straightarrow, walking into the valley of temptation and never yielding. But I am not. I have, over time, been able to overcome the weakness to look at porn on the computer without the use of a filter. But I needed this filter in the shower where I didn't seek out porn but it often followed me.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have all the benefits of testosterone without the SGA challenges! Wouldn't be wonderful to be fully vulnerable to the feelings of love and affection toward males without the strong desire to go beyond that which is appropriate. I hope that when I go through the veil and leave behind my telestial body I will feel that release of stress that I felt behind the shower curtain. I hope that some day I will be worthy of a celestial body with celestial attractions and powers. Oh, what joy I will have with my family and all of my friends then!

A footnote: I know that I will never be "worthy" of a celestial body. My life has been far from perfect. I know that I will only reach that joyous state because of the blood of Jesus Christ and His Atoning Sacrifice. I know that there is hope for all of us because of Him in spite of the telestial burdens we must carry throughout mortal life.