"MY COMPANION CUSSED OUT GOD!"

A friend of mine working in a campus counseling center told me about a lady who came to him in the throes of a depression. She wasn’t aware of anything that precipitated her . She all of a sudden was wiped out and feeling down. After a few sessions she mentioned that the anniversary of her husband’s death had occurred shortly before her depression. As she talked about it my friend observed that she seemed very angry. “I’m not angry!” she snapped back at him. “I’m depressed!” He commented that depression often is anger turned on one’s self. Over the next few sessions she slowly realized that she was angry. “I am angry. I am angry as hell that he died and left me alone with the children. But this is irrational. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t cause it. He loved us and he loved life. I shouldn’t be angry at him, but I am and this does make me feel guilty and angry at myself for having these feeling towards that wonderful man. I am angry at God for letting this happen. I shouldn’t be angry at God.”

My friend helped her to see that all feelings are irrational. We don’t need to justify them. We just need to understand them and cope with them as best as we can. The flip side of all pain and loss in our lives is anger. If we deny and bottle up those feelings, many times they are unconsciously turned on ourselves, resulting in depression.

He helped her to see that it is OK to be angry. It is a normal reaction to her loss. As she talked out her anger and learned to accept it and to find healthy ways to burn out her stress through talk and exercise and to let go of it through meditation, her depression left her.

I had a bout with depression and was almost emotionally paralyzed by it. I was faced with the reality that my Same Sex Attraction was not going to disappear, that I would be attracted to men the rest of my life, that I would never be physically attracted to women. I would never be “normal”. (Years later, after counseling with hundreds and hundreds of LDS young adults, I have sometimes asked myself, “What is normal?”) I was depressed because, even after living a fairly righteous, celibate life and fasting, praying for a change, the miracle was not going to happen. My mission didn’t do it. I was married to a wonderful, patient, accepting wife who knew of my struggle but could do nothing to help me change.

My anger towards God caused me to turn from Him for a period of time. I acted out, not by sinning but by trying to doubt Him or at least the Church. It didn’t work. I knew that He was my Father and loved me. My convictions about the Church with all of its human imperfections were too deep. But I do understand when people do leave the Church over this issue.

Counseling helped me to realize that it was OK to be angry at God, OK to be angry at all those self-righteous homophobic people who unknowingly made me feel queer and perverted and wicked. But it is not good to be angry at myself for something I didn’t cause. Being able to talk to a counselor, who didn’t try to change me, but accepted me, helped me to accept myself. My wife knew from before our marriage and she still loves me. She is a wonderful blessing to me.

A friend told me of a mission experience he had. They were ready to baptize a family they loved dearly. When they went to take them to the baptism service, they were told that some anti-Mormons had gotten to the family. They said they didn’t want to see the missionaries again. The crestfallen elders went to their apartment. My friend suggested that they pray. He offered a perfunctory prayer and ended. There was a long pause before his companion prayed. “Dammit God!! Why has this happened! We loved that family.” My friend panicked. He had never heard someone talk to God that way. He feared that lightening would strike. But his companion continued expressing his anger and challenging God. His companion then wept and ended his prayer. My friend said that a wonderful peace encircled them. They both felt as if God was saying to them, “It’s OK to express your pain and anger. I also love that family. My heart also is broken. I love both of you. Thank you for what you have tried to give them.”

I, too, have learned that it is OK to cuss out God and He understands our feelings. He is glad that we can be open and honest with Him. I, too, have been embraced by His love and peace, even at times when I didn't feel that I deserved it. His tender mercies have overcome my guilt.

We live in an imperfect world. I don’t know if God purposely sent me into a body whose chemistry causes me to be sexually attracted to men. I don’t believe that God controls everything. He permits agency. Perhaps in this polluted earth , while I was in the womb, my mother randomly encountered something that caused me to develop in this way. I don’t know.

I do know that He has helped me to accept my SSA. He has helped me to be sensitive to and to help many of His children who are struggling with a variety of problems. I have served in many bishoprics and have been a bishop more than once, have been a scoutmaster and young men’s leader, primary teacher and many other callings. I am grateful that He has trusted me to serve in so many ways. My struggle with SSA has helped me, has humbled me, has given me compassion. I have a large family and a wonderful wife. Truly I am blessed!

EMANCIPATE YOURSELVES FROM MENTAL SLAVERY

I heard on the radio today a Bob Marley song: “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds.” It started me thinking of the many voices in my mind that have chained me down. The most insidious ones are those negative recordings that I am not fully conscious of, that repeatedly play in the background of my mind. They are often manifest through my feelings. These feelings influence my behavior.

For instance, my wife says something and I snap back at her. Usually I then justify my response by blaming her. But sometimes, I pause and say to myself: “That was inappropriate. Why did I do that?” “Well, I have felt crappy this afternoon, ever since I listened to ‘This American Life’ on NPR.” There was an episode that reminded me of a stupid, embarrassing thing that I did many years ago. I began reliving that incident with all the feelings of embarrassment and shame and guilt I felt then. Like a nuclear chain-reaction I recalled one related incident after another from other periods of my life, until I felt pretty crappy. I wasn’t snapping at my wife, I was kicking myself for being such an idiot in the past. It took introspection for me to realize this. Usually I would just go on being grumpy and blaming someone else for my feelings. But this time I recognized that I was a slave to those negative voices and started cutting the chains.

“WAIT A MINUTE!” I said in my head. “WHY ARE YOU BEATING UP ON YOURSELF FOR THINGS DONE IN THE PAST!” I recognized that background voices are telling me that I am a stupid, inadequate person because of the past. I could feel my Grandmother’s voice from the past saying, “Bad boy! Bad boy!” Flooded by feelings of shame, I was subconsciously punishing myself. Depression is anger turned on yourself. I turned my anger on the voices: “I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON AS I WAS THEN. THAT’S WAY IN THE PAST!” They speak back, “YES, BUT remember last week when you did such and such. And also remember when you did. . .” (They can always find lots of YES BUTs to throw at me.) I can give up and let them handcuff me and lead me away to depression.

Or I can emancipate myself by saying, “I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU. GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN. THOSE THINGS ARE PAST. I AM FORGIVING MYSELF. I AM FLUSHING THE TOILET AND WASHING MY HANDS OF THIS STUFF. I AM FORGIVEN BY GOD AND CLEANSED THROUGH HIS SON. DON’T THROW THIS CRAP AT ME AGAIN. I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU ANY MORE!” I then pray to God for peace. I focus on my strengths and the good things that have happened in my life. With the help of God I emancipate myself from these chains. It doesn’t come easily. I have to work at it prayerfully.

But if don’t take the time to recognize the voices, they can enslave me. They become so much a part of my background music that I don’t notice them. Like the frogs in a shallow pot of gradually heating water don’t realize what is happening until it is too late I assume there is nothing wrong and blame someone else. Or I assume that there is nothing I can do. When I am feeling down is when I am most tempted to escape through porn or other addictions. This just enslaves me further.

But there is something positive we all can do. Take, for example, the repentant multitude after King Benjamin's sermon: "And it came to pass that after they had spoken these words the spirit of the Lord came upon them, and they were filled with joy, having received a remission of their sins, and having peace of conscience, because of the exceeding faith which they had in Jesus Christ who should come.” (Mosiah 4:3) I know of people who have repented and been forgiven by God but still are beating up on themselves because of the past. The negative voices are telling them that their past sins have made them second-class citizens in the Church. They can at first fight those lies with the truth of the powerful cleansing and healing power of the Atonement. And then, they can identify and crowd out the negative voices by dwelling on the good stuff in their lives as Nephi did in 2 Nephi 4:17-35.

Society has infused many of us with self-punitive voices that say that we are “queer” or “fags” or “sinful” because of same-gender attraction. I bet if you listened carefully that each of you would find that those negative recordings are part of your background music. I certainly have them. I recognize them and then refuse to listen to them when they start replaying. I find it hard to erase them, but I can choose what I focus upon. I can focus upon the fact that SGA is not an action. It is a condition. It is not a condition that I chose. I am not evil or sinful. There are lots of things in my life that I didn’t choose and the challenge in life is to make the best of what is. I have many unique positive qualities in my personality because of SGA which I have mentioned in previous blogs. With God’s help it has given me the motivation and the capacity to understand, care and help many people. I focus on my strengths and God’s blessings and crowd offstage the negative satanic lies that would enslave me and drain me of the strength to be a powerful influence for good in the world.

The booklet, God Loveth His Children, says, “God assures His children, including those currently attracted to persons of the same gender, that their righteous desires will eventually be fully satisfied in God’s own way and according to His timing.”(p. 4) The Savior of mankind said, “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”(Moroni 7:33) Ultimately all of these negative voices can be erased and we can fully enjoy the Good that we have become through God’s help. In the meantime we strive to increase spiritual emancipation in the world and in our own minds.